recently i've started to doubt my behaviour patterns. despite my will to break free from them i seem to be unable to change them although i want to. occasionally actions i take seem not be chosen by my free will but imposed on to me by circumstances and other people around me. to what degree can i behave independently until i "do not fit into society anymore"? whatever that is supposed to mean... on a low-scale level this probably means "until i become unacceptable as a social peer" e.g. being a very egocentric, egoistical person. but then again, it could also mean to deviate from one's standard behaviour patter and thus alienate surrounding persons whose expectation has remained the same. but where do these standard behavior patterns come from? do i perform them over and over again because i want to keep my peers. or, my original thought, do they have a genetical origin? yes, i know. we all read about the importance of education, social environment etc... when growing up but i'm trying to nail down personality here. does the mechanism that dictates when and in what form i'm going bald also have a word in what i behave in everyday life?
i have this specific example in my mind about my grandfather and my likeliness to him in some aspects. he caused the family a lot of grief and some troubles through his behaviour and i think i might recognise some similarities between him an me although i don't like them very much i must say. so, am i doomed already or could i still avert that doom just because i recognised it? i believe in defining my destiny myself. handreading might be interesting and everything but in the lines are there because of the way i fold my hands. in the end, my choices define my path, where i end up and what i do there. but in that specific field in which i seem to resemble my grandfather my usual enlightenment does not seem to work. why? i'm not quite sure... in some ways i seem to be unable to behave due to certain train of thoughts which always revolve around the following: "try not to hurt anyone" / "be friendly" / "do something for community". now, these all seem very social but by trying to please everyone probably at least one person always is on the receiving end. if it's not someone else then it's me. so, are egoistical persons overall happier than altruistic ones? what if they realize they're more egoistic than others? if they are what they claim to be then they probably don't care.
this has led me a bit astray from what i originally planned to write. also, i am afraid it doesn't make that much sense. but then, does life? maybe, at least a webpage should *make mental note* :-)

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