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genetics
recently i've started to doubt my behaviour patterns. despite my will
to break free from them i seem to be unable to change them although i want to.
occasionally actions i take seem not be chosen by my free will but imposed on
to me by circumstances and other people around me. to what degree can i behave
independently until i "do not fit into society anymore"? whatever
that is supposed to mean... on a low-scale level this probably means "until
i become unacceptable as a social peer" e.g. being a very egocentric, egoistical
person. but then again, it could also mean to deviate from one's standard behaviour
patter and thus alienate surrounding persons whose expectation has remained
the same. but where do these standard behavior patterns come from? do i perform
them over and over again because i want to keep my peers. or, my original thought,
do they have a genetical origin? yes, i know. we all read about the importance
of education, social environment etc... when growing up but i'm trying to nail
down personality here. does the mechanism that dictates when and in what form
i'm going bald also have a word in what i behave in everyday life?
i have this specific example in my mind about my grandfather and my likeliness
to him in some aspects. he caused the family a lot of grief and some troubles
through his behaviour and i think i might recognise some similarities between
him an me although i don't like them very much i must say. so, am i doomed already
or could i still avert that doom just because i recognised it? i believe in
defining my destiny myself. handreading might be interesting and everything
but in the lines are there because of the way i fold my hands. in the end, my
choices define my path, where i end up and what i do there. but in that specific
field in which i seem to resemble my grandfather my usual enlightenment does
not seem to work. why? i'm not quite sure... in some ways i seem to be unable
to behave due to certain train of thoughts which always revolve around the following:
"try not to hurt anyone" / "be friendly" / "do something
for community". now, these all seem very social but by trying to please
everyone probably at least one person always is on the receiving end. if it's
not someone else then it's me. so, are egoistical persons overall happier than
altruistic ones? what if they realize they're more egoistic than others? if
they are what they claim to be then they probably don't care.
this has led me a bit astray from what i originally planned to write. also,
i am afraid it doesn't make that much sense. but then, does life? maybe, at
least a webpage should *make mental note* :-)
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