Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice dick."

How do you know you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day.
What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words denote "small"?
"Is it in?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

If you are having sex with one woman and another walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

And Some To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .

How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins ‚Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...

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