the irish declare war on saddam hussein
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when
his telephone rang.
Hallo! Mr. Hussein, a heavily-accented voice said. This is Paddy down in the
Harp pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you.
Well, Paddy, Saddam replied, this is indeed important news! How big is your
Right now, said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, there is meself, me cousin
Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub.
That makes eight!
Saddam paused. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army
waiting to move on my command.
Begorra! , said Paddy. I'll have to ring you back!
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. Mr. Hussein, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!
And what equipment would that be, Paddy? , Saddam asked.
Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.
Saddam sighed. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 4,000 armored
personnel carriers. I've increased my army to 1 1/2 million since we last spoke.
Saints preserve us! , said Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. Mr. Hussein, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light
with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock pub
have joined us as well!
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you,
Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex
is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last
spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!
Jezus, Mary and Joseph! , said Paddy. I'll have to ring you back.
Sure enough Paddy called again the next day. Top o' the mornin' Mr.Hussein!
I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.
I'm sorry to hear that, said Saddam. Why the sudden change of heart?
Well, said Paddy, we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and there's
no way we can feed two million prisoners.
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