Dear tourists from near and far!
Please come to Europe! But do not only visit Rome or Paris with their very old
buildings, but also Zürich with its very new image!
Perhaps you will be a bit confused in the beginning, but that's exactly what
it's all about! When you land in Kloten, you will first think you are in Munich,
but then you'll have a big laugh when it turns out to be just a joke of the
You are in Switzerland and not in Germany, which is easy to understand as the
local taxidriver speaks Albanian and not Turkish. He will bring you to Zürich,
which we call Downtown Switzerland, or, if you prefer, to Opfikon-Glattbrugg,
which we call Bronx Switzerland.
Visit the Bahnhofstrasse (Times Square Switzerland) and the Chreis Cheib (Lower
East Side Switzerland).
Enjoy the Frühgotik of the Grossmünster, the Frühenglisch of the Aborigines,
and the Frühvergreisung of Zürich Tourismus.
Then go to the Hauptbahnhof (Central Station Switzerland), look at the Alfred-Escher-Denkmal
(Statue of Liberty Switzerland) and take a train to Lugano (Little Italy Switzerland).
On your way back, make a stop at Luzern (Chinatown Switzerland) and visit the
famous Brooklyn Bridge.
Now you have the choice to go to Bern (Washington D.C. Switzerland), where the
Bundesrat (Rastafari Switzerland) is governing, or to visit Schaffhausen (Niagara
If you don't understand what all this means, let us tell you: This is exactly
the essence of our country! To be or to pretend, that is the question!
When you read on a big Swiss magazine: "Katja Stauber: Deshalb zeige ich meinen
Busen" - go and buy it! You will see that the moment the picture was taken,
unfortunately Frau Stauber had on one tit her hand and on the other one a bathtowel
with "Rexona" written on it, and then you understand the Schweizerseele because
you realize that you not only won't see any tits, but that this is a Rexona-campaign
for solidarity with the victims of the Achselhöhlenschweissfleck, and you become
very angry and want to leave the country immediately instead of watching SF
DRS (NBC Switzerland) risking that some "Tagesschau"-Sprecher will show you
his Pippimännchen for solidarity with the Hodenkrebs.
Yo, man! This is how we are!
By now you will have guessed by yourself that Downtown Switzerland is of course
a candidate for the Olympic Wintergames because we have neither mountains nor
snow in Zürich, just a little bit of Pflotsch every three years. No problem.
Zürich Tourismus will bring all them Olympic visitors to the Üetliberg (Central
Park Switzerland), will stopf them into the Albisgüetlihaus (Madison Square
Garden Switzerland) and make them hear a concert by Nella Martinetti (Fats Domino
At the exit there will stand a man called Christoph Mörgeli, who makes sure
that everyone finds the way back to his country. Just ignore him, but if you're
from India, pay attention, because he is strangely attracted by young Indians
with rude language. If he wants to use you in his campaign "Ein Herz für Inder",
tell him you want to stay here forever and ask for Asyl.
Then he will leave you alone, and you're free again!
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