Dear tourists from near and far!

Please come to Europe! But do not only visit Rome or Paris with their very old buildings, but also Zürich with its very new image!
Perhaps you will be a bit confused in the beginning, but that's exactly what it's all about! When you land in Kloten, you will first think you are in Munich, but then you'll have a big laugh when it turns out to be just a joke of the witty airport-owners.
You are in Switzerland and not in Germany, which is easy to understand as the local taxidriver speaks Albanian and not Turkish. He will bring you to Zürich, which we call Downtown Switzerland, or, if you prefer, to Opfikon-Glattbrugg, which we call Bronx Switzerland.
Visit the Bahnhofstrasse (Times Square Switzerland) and the Chreis Cheib (Lower East Side Switzerland).
Enjoy the Frühgotik of the Grossmünster, the Frühenglisch of the Aborigines, and the Frühvergreisung of Zürich Tourismus.
Then go to the Hauptbahnhof (Central Station Switzerland), look at the Alfred-Escher-Denkmal (Statue of Liberty Switzerland) and take a train to Lugano (Little Italy Switzerland). On your way back, make a stop at Luzern (Chinatown Switzerland) and visit the famous Brooklyn Bridge.
Now you have the choice to go to Bern (Washington D.C. Switzerland), where the Bundesrat (Rastafari Switzerland) is governing, or to visit Schaffhausen (Niagara Falls Switzerland).
If you don't understand what all this means, let us tell you: This is exactly the essence of our country! To be or to pretend, that is the question!
When you read on a big Swiss magazine: "Katja Stauber: Deshalb zeige ich meinen Busen" - go and buy it! You will see that the moment the picture was taken, unfortunately Frau Stauber had on one tit her hand and on the other one a bathtowel with "Rexona" written on it, and then you understand the Schweizerseele because you realize that you not only won't see any tits, but that this is a Rexona-campaign for solidarity with the victims of the Achselhöhlenschweissfleck, and you become very angry and want to leave the country immediately instead of watching SF DRS (NBC Switzerland) risking that some "Tagesschau"-Sprecher will show you his Pippimännchen for solidarity with the Hodenkrebs.
Yo, man! This is how we are!
By now you will have guessed by yourself that Downtown Switzerland is of course a candidate for the Olympic Wintergames because we have neither mountains nor snow in Zürich, just a little bit of Pflotsch every three years. No problem. Zürich Tourismus will bring all them Olympic visitors to the Üetliberg (Central Park Switzerland), will stopf them into the Albisgüetlihaus (Madison Square Garden Switzerland) and make them hear a concert by Nella Martinetti (Fats Domino Switzerland).
At the exit there will stand a man called Christoph Mörgeli, who makes sure that everyone finds the way back to his country. Just ignore him, but if you're from India, pay attention, because he is strangely attracted by young Indians with rude language. If he wants to use you in his campaign "Ein Herz für Inder", tell him you want to stay here forever and ask for Asyl.
Then he will leave you alone, and you're free again!

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