Changes to Contract of Employment

Please Take note of the following, in effect from Monday.

Sick days
We will not longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personals days a year. These are called Saturdays and Sundays.

Vacation Days
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows January 1 and December 25.

Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangement. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should held in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

Absence Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Restroom Use
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. In future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies you may swap with a co-worker but both employees supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract and the toilet door will open.

Lunch Break
Skinny people will get an one hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal sized people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure.
Fat people will receive five minutes for lunch because that's all the time need to drink a Slim Fast and a diet pill.

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying £600 Gucci bag we will assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for loyalty to our firm. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations etc should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice day.

The Management.

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