Changes to Contract of Employment
Please Take note of the following, in effect from Monday.
We will not longer accept a doctor's note as proof of sickness. If you are able
to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Each employee will receive 104 personals days a year. These are called Saturdays
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation
days are as follows January 1 and December 25.
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangement. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should held in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share of the work is done.
Absence Due to Your Own Death
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice
as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. In future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names
begin with "A" will go from 8.00 to 8.20, employees whose names begin
with "B" will go from 8.20 to 8.40 and so on.
If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait
until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies you may
swap with a co-worker but both employees supervisors must approve this exchange
In addition, there is now a strict three minute time limit in the toilets. At
the end of the three minutes an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract
and the toilet door will open.
Skinny people will get an one hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.
Normal sized people will get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain the average figure.
Fat people will receive five minutes for lunch because that's all the time need
to drink a Slim Fast and a diet pill.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing £350 Prada shoes and carrying £600 Gucci bag we
will assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for loyalty to our firm. We are here to provide a positive employment
experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations etc should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day.