The apocalypse is nigh

Dear Sirs, dear Madams, The apocalypse is nigh, and only the well-prepared will survive.
So here's a little installment I call:

***The 20 most vital items you will need for the Apocalypse***

1. Microwave Popcorn
Microwave popcorn is always a tasty post-apocalyptic treat.
Warning, if the end of the world is caused by a nuclear accident, the popcorn will already be popped so be sure to eat it first.

2. Aluminum Foil
Aluminum foil is indispensable in apocalyptic settings. It can be used to deflect alien mind rays and also makes a fine looking spaceman suit that could fool aliens into thinking humans are more advanced than they expected.

3. Whoopee Cushion
The new world will need humor.

4. Glow Stick
Helps you see in the dark and also is fun for post-apocaliptic raves.

5. Pliers
When the economy dies only gold will have value. Those fillings may need to come out.

6. Hand-powered Palm Pilot
Even though all your friends and business contacts will be dead, you'll still have all their contact information. This is best for when it's time to start looting.

7. C4
The backup plan in case everything goes wrong. Leave no evidence of your survival.

8. TV Cable won't work, but if a few video places don't burn to the ground, you can at least stay busy watching porn.

9. Silver Bullets
Perhaps the apocalypse will open a pathway to the realm of fantasy and you will have to fight off werewolves or other hideous things you were afraid of as a child. Better pack your anti-Cthulhu underwear as well. Garlic might come in handy, too.

10. Mad Max Poster
Inspiration for how to do things right in the coming apocalypse.

11. Ear Plugs
The apocalypse may be loud.

12. Googles
The apocalypse may be bright and accompanied by small flying particles.

13. Cup
The apocalypse may be at groin level.

14. Kevin Costner Poster
Inspiration for how NOT to do things in the coming apocalypse.

15. Flashlight
Good for lighting things up and also for whacking those nuclear mutants that tend to pop up at the end of the world.

16. Hot Balls Chewing Gum
These should survive any form of apocalypse and still preserve their taste.

17. The Entire Dolph Lundgren DVD Collection
If you're dying of radiation poisoning this will make your last days seem longer.

18. Coffee
Nuclear mutants typically attack at night, it's best to stay awake.

19. The Complete Evil Dead Series
You might have to rehearse such classic one-liners as "Your Face, Your Ass--What's The Difference" or "Come And Get Some" for situations involving mutant zombies that want to take over the world. So learn from the King. ...and the most important item:

20. Notarized Letters of Surrender
It's important to have pre-made legal documents created by your lawyers so you can pledge your undying support to what ever creatures are causing the apocalypse. You should get documents for aliens, zombies, mutants, and giant ants.


(original post by Dan Egger (, adapted by .rb ( )

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